I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
