Ketchup is God's man juice
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
