why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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