he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
