morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize