I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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