My hand turned me down
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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