so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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