Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Less talking, more tequila
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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