I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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