Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize
