i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
