I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
