I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
