If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize