my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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