There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
