the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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