Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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