i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
