So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
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