Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My ass is underappreciated
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
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