Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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