so that wasnt chicken after all
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
