It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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