yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
