then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
