It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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