just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
