Your face is a jimmy john
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
