I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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