That's intense
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
