I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So many bounce houses so little time
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
