my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
