You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
