was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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