Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
