well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
