Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
