if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
