I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
