So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
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