I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
