Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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