Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
