went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
