Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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