Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Bring me that man meat
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
