Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
