so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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