On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
