All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
My bed smells like the plague
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
