i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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