if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
