dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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